Terrible Things Happen on Sunny Days Too

On By Paul MathewsIn Politics, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Morning

A sunny unseasonably warm day in November can imbue a person with an unreasonable amount of optimism. And today – Election Day – is just such a day.

Now I know it is de riguer to describe oneself as “patriotic”, but it’s not a word I feel comfortable applying to myself. Don’t get me wrong. I think America is an incredible country, but I don’t subscribe to the flag-humping, love-it-or-leave-it fervor that is required for membership in that particular club.

Having said that, I am an absolute nerd for performing my civic obligations. And at the top of that list sits jury duty and voting. I am probably the only person in the country that smiles when I get that unassuming little postcard letting me know I’ve been selected to spend some time with my fellow citizens down at the courthouse, and I get absolutely tingly when it’s time to vote.

I take it seriously too. I am not one of those people that shows up in the voting booth and has that moment where they finally connect all the dots between the signs littering every highway, bi-way and front yard and the names on the ballot. I do my homework. I pay attention to national and local elections. I care who wins. In other words, it’s kind of a big day for me.

I walked out of the house that day ready (and eager) to vote. Without delay, I headed to the local library that serves as my polling station and cast my vote…for her…Secretary Hillary Clinton. I did it because she was the most qualified. I did it without hesitation. And then I went to work.

Before walking into the office, I quickly perused Facebook and Instagram on my phone and found a picture my wife had posted. It was a picture of her and our daughter smiling broadly (and proudly), each of them festooned with “I Voted” stickers.

my-girls

I welled up a little bit, as is my custom from time to time (that time having started when the birth of our daughter let loose all sorts of “feelings” that had long laid dormant). I immediately regretted not having driven to the polling center together. I looked at the photo several more times throughout the day – it made me smile every time.

Today was going to be a good day.

Evening

We had planned to meet some friends for dinner and then return to our house to have some drinks while we watched the election results roll in. My aforementioned nerdery made this a normal routine for me anyway – I had watched coverage of each of the four previous elections into the wee hours of the morning.

By the time we got back to the house, polls had closed in most East Coast states and results were starting to be reported. My prior experience told me to not to worry too much when early reporting states like Indiana turn red. It’s just what they do.

Obviously, things took a turn. Watching Secretary Clinton eek out a win in Virginia, struggle and then lose states like Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania, told me there was trouble. Going into this, I knew that it would not be a runaway, but I was confident that when all was said and done, the map would have just enough blue to get us across the finish line.

Needless to say, I was wrong. Oh, so wrong.

Our friends left  when it became clear that it was going to be a long night. My wife, who is normally asleep by 10 hung in until after midnight. I watched until the bitter end.

The Morning After

I slept poorly and not enough. I felt wrung out and a little dazed when I woke up. Not because a Republican had won the election. No, it was because Donald Trump won the election. I don’t think he is a real Republican. I don’t think he is anything that predictable. I hope that he is not as crazy/awful/careless/hateful as he seems. I hope that it was all rhetoric to fire up the support he needed to win this very weird election. I am uncomfortable with not knowing what to expect.

I didn’t realize how bad things were about to get.

I am fortunate to have in my life an incredible collection of women that are intelligent, strong and impressive in ways I will never be. They are family, friends and co-workers. And it wasn’t until the morning after the election that I realized how much I wanted this for them. How much I wanted this for my wife and daughter. I wanted the world to acknowledge what I have long known – that there isn’t a job on this planet that should be out of reach for a woman. I wanted that, and I can only imagine how much they wanted that. I could see it in their eyes today. They were reeling. We were all reeling.

And then I thought again of that picture of my smiling wife and daughter fresh out of the voting booth. Now it feels like a gut punch.

I have no doubt that the time will come when there will be nothing novel about a woman running for the presidency. I am sorry that day isn’t today.

 

HELP WANTED: American President

On By Paul MathewsIn Politics1 Comment

In an election where most people are openly dissatisfied with the entire slate of candidates (third-party included), most people explain their selection in terms of what they don’t like about the other options:

“I’m voting for Trump because I don’t trust crooked Hillary.”

or:

“I’m voting for Hillary because Donald is a racist/misogynist buffoon.”

Others are basing their choice on what their chosen candidate represents:

“I’m voting for Hillary because she’s a woman, and I want my daughter to know she can be anything she wants to be.”

or:

“I’m voting for Trump because he’s an outsider, and he’ll get to Washington and shake things up.”

I’m guilty of giving voice to these same sentiments myself. Lately though, I have begun to approach this differently. I have decided to take a step back and treat the election by what it is in its simplest terms – a job interview. Remove all the pomp, circumstance and round-the-clock media coverage, and that’s all it is.

With that in mind, let’s evaluate this as we would if we were hiring someone for a job. No more, no less.

First, we would start defining a job description. Good news for us, we can crib this straight out of Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, which I will summarize (perhaps a bit clumsily) below for reference:

  • Head of State (symbolic leader of the country, representative to the world at-large)
  • Chief Executive (appoints federal officials, grants pardons and executes the laws)
  • Commander-In-Chief of the Armed Forces (directs our military forces)
  • Diplomat (empowered to negotiate treaties with other countries)
  • Legislator (signs or vetoes legislation, federal budget and can introduce a legislation)
  • Politician (the President is the chief of their political party)

With these responsibilities in mind, we should begin sifting through the resumes submitted for relevant experience and decide who to bring in for an interview. Here are some highlights of each that I culled from Wikipedia – feel free to dig deeper yourself by clicking the links below:

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON

  • Bachelor of Arts in Political Science, Wellesley College
  • Juris Doctor, Yale University School of Law
  • Staff/Volunteer for numerous state and national campaigns
  • Attorney/Child Advocate, non-profits and private law firms
  • Chair of the Board, Legal Services Corporation
  • First Lady, State of Arkansas
  • Boardmember (TCBY, Wal-Mart, Lafarge)
  • First Lady, United States of America
  • U.S. Senator, State of New York
  • Secretary of State, United States
  • Member, Clinton Foundation

 

DONALD J. TRUMP

  • Attended New York Military Academy
    • Achieved rank of captain
  • Bachelor of Science in Economics, Wharton School of Finance and Commerce, University of Pennsylvania (first two years were completed at Fordham University)
  • Real Estate Agent, Elizabeth Trump & Son
  • President, The Trump Organization
  • Owner, Miss Universe, Miss Teen USA and Miss USA
  • Executive Producer & Host, The Apprentice
  • Founder, Donald J. Trump Foundation
  • Net Worth: $9.5 Billion (estimated)

On paper, you would be hard pressed to find someone that is more qualified than Hillary Clinton to be considered for the job of U.S. President. Not surprising, she has likely been gunning for this her entire life.

Trump, on the other hand, certainly has an impressive resume, but it isn’t specifically relevant to the job. It’s kind of like hiring a world-class fighter pilot to be executive chef of your new restaurant. He says he can cook, but how do I know that?

Based on my original premise, the U.S. Presidency as a job interview, I’m not sure how Trump even gets through the door. The problem is that we don’t handle nominations as we would hiring for any other job. Instead, we rely on a series of local popularity contests, delegates and conventions that all run by different rules. In fact, this process has more in common with a beauty pageant or a reality show than it does with a job interview. As a result, it is not surprising that Trump figured out a way to out-maneuver the field of traditional candidates.

So we don’t get to choose from the best resumes. We are in the unenviable position of having to fill a job as if these are the only two candidates that applied.

In a normal hiring scenario, you bring the best candidates in for an interview to dig deeper and gather more information. Well, we have no shortage of information to review based on three televised debates and endless coverage from news organizations and “news” organizations. As in any job interview, as the interviewer, you have to determine which information is relevant and irrelevant, trustworthy and suspect. You will weigh the pros and cons of each candidate:

CLINTON

Pros

  • Lots of relevant experience.
  • Seems more presidential.
  • Has detailed plans.

Cons

  • “Washington Insider” – more of the same.
  • Questionable ties to Wall Street.
  • Lots of scandals/investigations – but is it smoke but no fire?
  • Can we trust her?
  • Too liberal!!

TRUMP

Pros

  • An outsider.
  • Tough negotiator.
  • Business Experience – knows how to get the economy going
  • Strong on border security.

Cons

  • Loose cannon/unpredictable
  • Either racist/misogynist or careless with words/out of touch.
  • Shady business practices.
  • No relevant experience.
  • Lacks detailed plans.

There are also some wildcard elements that cannot be overlooked:

Clinton – The endless scandals are concerning. Either she is completely innocent and simply under siege by political opponents, or she is calculating and slick enough to continuously come out the other side in tact.

Trump – At various points during the campaign, both the GOP at-large and his own vice president have had to back away from him. This is akin to having a reference listed on your resume who can’t find anything positive to say about you.

At the end of the day, for me, I question Trump’s capacity to do the job. His strongest attribute is that he is a rich, successful businessman. To date, his actual wealth is unknown, and even if we allow for the estimates he has provided, is that really a qualification? If it is, wouldn’t that mean that a slightly richer candidate would be more qualified and therefore a better candidate? Would Trump make a decision as Commander-In-Chief that was in the country’s best interest if it was contrary to the interests of his business holdings? Nothing he has shown to date indicates that he is capable of acting beyond his own self-interests.

As a result, I cannot recommend Mr. Trump for this position. If we need to make a hiring decision today, I would make an offer to Hillary Clinton.

That said, I would really like the opportunity to reconsider other applicants in four years.

 

Hill, the Bern and the Id(iot).

On By Paul MathewsIn Politics, WordsLeave a comment

 

I don’t like what politics does to people. I don’t like what it does to people in it or to people who talk about it. It’s reductive. It’s simplistic. It is a poor representation of the world around us.

I don’t like politicians or the way they talk or what they have to say. They use so many words (“the best words”) and say absolutely nothing.

And in election years, all of this shit gets turned up to 11.

You don’t have to look too far to find someone who will say (loudly) that this is the most important election of our lifetimes. Our nation is at stake! And there is only one choice that makes any sense. And to hell with you if you can’t see who that is.

Fascist! Socialist! Racist! BITCH!

It’s not OK to think anything just a little bit. It’s not enough to prefer a candidate or even love a candidate. You have to generate a corresponding amount of hate for the others. Oh, and if I don’t like your candidate that means certain things about me. It means I’m unrealistic or simple-minded. It means I hate women. It means I don’t care about the poor.

Full Disclosure: I am a registered independent. I lean left – sometimes a little bit, sometimes a lot.

I am about to say some things that will not sit well with people who have fervor for their candidate. I am about to do something that is going to seem downright anachronistic.

If I am honest when I consider the remaining three candidates, my feelings fall somewhere between meh and a shrug. I am just, well, whelmed.

Hillary Clinton

I love the idea of a woman as president. I have a daughter, and I never want for even a moment for her to think something is unachievable. But I hate the idea of voting for a candidate because of their demographic profile. Hillary just doesn’t do it for me. I voted for Barack Obama, and I did so not because he was a black man and it was about damn time for the White House to be a little less white. I voted for him because he represented optimism. Not pie-in-the-sky optimism, but genuine I-think-we-can-do-better-and-I’ve-got-some-ideas optimism. But if I vote for Hillary, it will be a vote for “not the other guy”. Don’t get me wrong.

Bernie Sanders

I admire Bernie Sanders. I like a lot of what Bernie has to say and that he has been saying it for years. And I love that he has made all candidates talk about issues that don’t get talked about very often. He defies political conventions because he doesn’t align his policies and platform with what is popular and convenient or even what is expedient to get a nomination in the two-party system. But I don’t have the passion for him that many others do. I will refrain from the normal criticism of Bernie – i.e. he’ll never be able to get any of what he talks about done. That may be true, but it’s generally true of just about any candidate in our current political climate. Bernie’s angry. His passion is fueled by a seething rage. He has earned that rage, and I believe it’s genuine. At the end of the day, I think that our country is broken in profound ways. I also believe that Bernie, though his intentions are beyond reproach, will widen the divide. And I don’t think we can survive that.

Donald Trump

This isn’t all leading up to me throwing my lot in with Donald. Donald is everything that is wrong with American politics without the normal artiface. He lacks the good sense to swallow his bullshit. Mostly because he is too busy feeding it to us. I’ve heard him described as “shrewd” and “charming”, and I need to look up both those words because apparently I’ve been using them wrong. And I know this probably doesn’t count for much, but to my eye, Donald isn’t even close to the best the Republican party has to offer. At best, Donald is good at being rich. I’m not sure that’s a skill, and I am not sure exactly how if it were, it would be good for the country.

Ultimately, I find all of these candidates incredibly one-dimensional. I miss nuance. I want a candidate that chooses words carefully. And not because certain words tested better in polling than other words, but because only a specific set of words would do to accurately describe the sentiment to be conveyed.

So what? Move to Canada? I’m sure it’s lovely. Opt out? Hell no.

I’ll vote. I’ll vote for the least worst candidate in hopes that we can be the least worst America possible.

 

 

 

Donald Trump: Menace to Society

On By Paul MathewsIn Politics, WordsLeave a comment

I think it is about time that I formally thank Donald Trump. Without him, I would hardly ever have a chance to use words like “jingoistic” or “xenophobic”.

Donald Trump will never be president, but he just might be the most dangerous person in America.

donald_trump_yelling

Donald Trump speaks only in superlatives. He paints only in broad strokes. He appeals only to the basest elements of the human condition. And as much as I would like to write him off as a buffoon (which he is), as much as I would like to wait him out – wait for his incomprehensible luster to wear off – I am not sure we can afford to wait.

Donald Trump isn’t just fanning the fires of hatred in this country; he is tucking kindling in every nook and cranny of America and then dousing it with gasoline while dancing around with sparklers in both hands.

And yet, there he is at the top of the polls. He’s the lead story on every newscast whenever he opens his disgusting vitriolic maw. But why? How can this be what people (any people) want?

On some level, I guess I understand. People are sick of business as usual in Washington. They are desperate for action. But more than anything, they are scared shitless that the world is changing, and they don’t understand it anymore.

They have spent the last 7 years watching a president that is the definition of calm and nuance be swallowed whole by our binary appetites that have lost all connection to the notions of gray area, compromise and middle-ground. And they have seen the notion of borders and countries take a back seat to doctrines, religions and corporations. We haven’t yet figured out how to wage war against ideas and movements. These things don’t have an address that you can simply wipe off the planet.

When intellect, logic and nuance are shown as impotent to the din of belligerent and overly simplistic saber rattling that has become the calling card to the extremes of all ilks – Democrat, Republican, cleric, minister, blogger and anchorperson – we are surely lost as a people.

It is not by coincidence that we find ourselves in a political reality where a flaxen-coiffed Bond villain and the equivalent of an old man yelling from his porch are considered legitimate candidates.

AND WHAT’S WITH ALL THE FUCKING YELLING!?!

I have always been fond of saying that one of the things I look for in a candidate of any kind is some sign of an active mind. But everywhere I look, I can find little more than an active mouth. Words matter – they matter so much more than we think – but they don’t matter more just because you yell them…or at least they shouldn’t.

And as much as I would like to call Donald Trump stupid, I don’t think he is stupid. I think he is calculating.

If you sit watching your TV and find yourself wondering, “How the hell does he get away with saying the things he says?”, he isn’t talking to you. He is talking to the people that most of us write off as crazy and irrelevant. But I think that Trump has done the math. I think he realizes that in a year where no other candidate is setting the world on fire, all press is good press.

And while it is still very hard for me to imagine a scenario where Trump can win in a general election, I start to think about the climate that he is creating in this country, and I don’t know how any reasonable person can lead under those circumstances. And I don’t see how anything can get better. He’ll keep turning the volume up to 11, and none of us will be able to hear ourselves (or anyone else) think. That’s just how he likes it.

And that is why Donald Trump is the most dangerous person in America.

 

You can never go back…but who the f*ck wants to?

On By Paul MathewsIn Complaining, WordsLeave a comment

I’m currently rediscovering the joys pains of apartment living. A few months ago, my wife and I decided to sell our townhouse and start the process of looking for a free-standing house (I like to refer to them as “walkarounds”). Early on we determined that the endeavor would be stressful enough without trying to coordinate the sale and purchase of a home simultaneously. Instead, we opted for concentrating on selling our house first, and we planned on moving into an apartment for a few months while we looked for a new home.

Good news! The plan went exactly as we’d hoped. Our efforts to make our house presentable for sale (and the hard work of our Realtor) paid off. We sold our house within a few weeks of listing it, and we got fairly close to our asking price. We were all set to start the fun part – looking for a new house.

As I mentioned at the outset, we moved into an apartment while the search was underway. No big deal, right? We can live in an apartment. We had done it before. Never with a toddler, but that has turned out to be the easiest part – Sarah loves that all of her stuff is on one level, so she’s never far away from anything she needs. Even our cat, Otto, has adjusted to the new environs.

But holy shit, do I hate this place!

Let me count the ways:

If The Key Fits

The lease for our apartment started on January 15th. I know that because it said so in bold print right on the lease. So on January 15th, I went to the apartment complex’s leasing office to pick up the keys. I had to use my lunch break to do it, but no big deal, this is just the next step required to move forward with our quest for a new home. One problem: When I went to pick up the key (at a time previously agreed upon with the staff in the rental office), they mentioned, rather casually, that the previous tenants had not yet moved out of the apartment.

“Oh? When do you think they might be out?” I inquired.

“Most likely by tonight,” said the troglodyte hunched behind the office desk.

“And when do you think I might pick up the keys then?” I asked curiously.

“Tomorrow. Between 3 and 5,” she responded.

“Oh. In the middle of the work day? How convenient,” I said. “And only a day or two after my lease started.”

I returned to the rental office the next day around 3:30. The same troll “greeted” me – clearly having no idea why I was there.

“I need to pick up my keys. Is the apartment ready?”

It wasn’t. She had to raise the maintenance fellow on a walkie-talkie, ham radio or some shit.

“Clarence, are you done changing the locks?”

He wasn’t.

“Well, the guy’s here. He wants his keys.”

Imagine that.

“He’s on his way over now. You can sit on the couch.”

The “couch” seemed to have been recently retrieved from a dumpster or a backwoods hamlet done in by some brand of Middle Age pestilence.

“I’ll just stand.”

After about 20 minutes, Clarence finally arrived with my keys. Unceremoniously, he shoved them into my hand, and I was on my way.

In order to get into the apartment, i had to first walk across a foot bridge, go through an outer door, an inner security door (locked) and finally our apartment door (also locked). I jammed the newly cut key to the security door into the lock, and tried to turn it. You’ll notice that I said tried…that’s going to come into play in just a moment.

The key wouldn’t turn, so naturally I assumed that I had used the wrong key. I tried each of the other two keys (for the apartment door and the mailbox). Neither worked, so I returned to the original key. I tried – a bit more aggressively – to get the lock to turn. No luck. Unless, of course, you consider it lucky to snap a key off in a lock. If you do, then there was lots of luck.

Welcome home. I hated this place already.

Birds! F*ckin’ Birds!

Within the first week of moving into the apartment, I had to pick up Sarah from school – she was running a slight fever. I carried her and all of her stuff (toddlers have a lot of stuff…just all the time) across the footbridge, through the gauntlet of doors (I now had working keys to each of them) and into the apartment. Once inside, I put Sarah down and started to unload the several hundred objects that your toddler needs to have with them at all times. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a bit of motion.

No big deal. We have a cat. I then watched my cat mosey out of the hallway on the other end of the apartment.

Then I saw it – a small bird just doing laps around the living room. This seemed odd to me because, as far as I could remember, we did not request to live in an aviary. Nevertheless, there it was – small brown bird of indeterminate species. I’m sure someone could have determined its species, but neither me nor my two-year-old daughter happened to specialize in ornithology. My daughter did, however, think it was a very exciting thing to have a bird inside the apartment. I disagreed.

Luckily, I was able to place my daughter safely in the crib in her bedroom along with our cat (who had also begun to look excitedly at our visitor). For clarity’s sake, the cat was in her bedroom not in her crib. Now that the children were taken care of, I dashed (as much as I dash anywhere these days) to the sliding door and opened it widely. It only took me a minute or two to usher bieber our flappy little friend back into that great big world.

This would be an amusing little anecdote if we didn’t come home to yet another bird a few weeks later. This one was bigger. And far less interested in going back outside. With a helping hand from my wife, a few cardboard box lids and some ill-advised usage of a ceiling fan, extricating our second volitant proved substantially more difficult but was nonetheless accomplished after about 10 minutes.

I think it is worth reminding you that there are no less than three doors between the outside world and the interior of our apartment. I have scoured every inch of this apartment attempting to locate the hidden ingress used by these foul little…err…fowls, but I have found none.

Motherf*cker, Where’s My Car?
There have been several other minor annoyances – obnoxious neighbors, mystery noises, weird food smells – but nothing too far beyond what you sign up for when you opt to live in an apartment. We had made great progress on our house hunt, and we were now only a few weeks away from closing on a new home. While I still hated it, i had come to terms with most things related to our temporary return to a communal living situation. There was an end in sight, and I just had to ride it out.
Yesterday, my wife and I were returning home after picking up our daughter from school, and as we pulled into the apartment complex, we noticed that one section of the parking lot was resplendent with newly sealed asphalt and freshly painted lines. The parking lot had never looked so spiffy. And then something occurred to me. My wife and I work at the same company, so most days we drive into work together, as we had that morning. I realized that the spot where we parked our other car was smack-dab in the middle of the newly surfaced portion of the parking lot.
But the spot where it had been parked was empty. As you might guess, this was a bit unsettling.
I decided not to panic – I figured we could always panic later, if needed. I tried to just focus on getting everyone (and a certain toddler’s daily assortment of jackets, lunchboxes, sweatshirts, close-range nuclear weapons and whatever else had been loaded into the car that morning) into the apartment.
After this was accomplished, I returned to the parking lot. I first looked around to make sure that I had mistakenly parked in a different location and forgotten. No dice. I then walked over to the office to determine if there was some explanation for what might have happened to our car. I didn’t expect the office to be open – it’s never open – but I thought maybe there would be some posting providing some small clue as to where our car had absconded. Nothing.
Next, I did what any person at the end of their rope would do. I wandered aimlessly around the complex frantically and continuously pressing the button on the key fob for the missing car. And then, as if a small child at the bottom of a deep well, I heard a barely audible “meep”. I hit the button again.
“MEEP!”
And there, on the other side of the parking lot, no less then 500 yards from any spot that I would reasonably park our car, stood Millie. It would be useful for you to know that we refer to our little blue Hyundai Elantra as Millie or Millicent (if you’re fancy).
My only guess is that the car was towed out of its/her normal spot and deposited at the far end of the complex. As far as I know, there had been no prior notice of the parking lot resurfacing, no indication that cars should be moved, no warning that failure to comply would result in a the redistricting of automobiles. Millie seems none the worse for her unplanned travel. Of course, I have not been able to get in touch with anyone from the rental office.
I hate this place. I just really hate this place. In closing, The Escarpment (my wife insists that I not use the real name of our complex) can suck it.

A Defense of Comic Sans

On By Paul MathewsIn Uncategorized, WordsLeave a comment

For the uninformed, uninvited or uninitiated, there is a long-standing and deep-seated (and I dare say wrong-headed) hatred of the Comic Sans font. I can’t explain it, nor do I participate in it. But it is most assuredly out there. Don’t believe me? Well then take a gander over here:

Ban Comic Sans

Kill Comic Sans

Seems a bit harsh, no? Why all the animosity? Seriously, for some folks out there, the most vile and villainous things that have ever existed are as follows:

  1. Hitler (specifically)
  2. Nazis (in general)
  3. Anchovies (another item deserving of defense)
  4. Comic Sans

Frankly, I don’t get it. It is as well meaning a font as exists. It means you no harm. Walk with me, will you?

History

We can all thank Microsoft designer Vincent Connare for Comic Sans. Apparently inspired by some of the comic books lying around his office, Mr. Connare set to work creating Comic Sans in 1994. By 1995, Comic Sans MS (it’s official name) had become a part of the standard font set available in most Microsoft products. And since then, the world has been a better place. Hard to argue that, so don’t bother.

A Defense

I think it was Charles Dickens that first coined the phrase, “Haters gonna hate.” And this is a classic case of hateration. Comic Sans is a font dedicated to something that the world just needs more of – whimsy. I think we can all agree that you can never have enough whimsy. I know that whenever I am making my grocery list, and I yell to my wife, “Hey, do you need anything from the store?”, she always responds with, “I think we’re out of whimsy.” So I buy more. I like to keep the house chockablock (it’s a word) with whimsy.

And it’s not like there are other fonts out there trying to pick up the whimsy slack? Seriously, Times New Roman? Garamond? Verdana? And don’t even get me started with Chiller and Wingdings? They are pretenders to the throne. Long live the king!

Seriously, a world without whimsy is nothing but a vast, bleak dystopian hellscape, where parents feed on their own children. If you want to live there, move to Detroit. If not, strap in and embrace the glory that is Comic Sans.

Thank you Mr. Connare.

 

Guns go bang.

On By Paul MathewsIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’ve been trying for a while to decide what I think about the recent gun control debate. I want badly to have an intelligible and reasonable view on gun control.

I have friends that support any and all gun control legislation and drape the moniker “gun nut” liberally over anyone that owns a gun. And I have friends that think the mere mention of gun control is tantamount to digging up each and everyone of the founding fathers and farting in their corpse mouths.

Chances are, they are both wrong.

Full disclosure: I didn’t grow up around guns. I’ve never fired any weapon more substantial than a BB gun. I don’t own nor have I contemplated owning a gun.

I don’t oppose their existence, and I don’t have a problem with reasonable people owning them. In fact, I believe that people have a right to own a gun or guns if they choose for protection, hunting, target practice, rodent suppression or any other damned thing they want to do with them, so long as they don’t get around to pointing them at those of us that choose not to partake. I don’t believe that that right is god-given, a birthright or anything as fancy as that. A gun is a commodity, and this is a free-market economy.  And, for the most part, a gun is only as dangerous as the meat sack attached to it.

And therein lies the problem. A lot of guns end up attached to the wrong meat sacks: felonious meat sacks, crazy meat sacks, dimwitted, gullible and wrong-headed meat sacks. So how do we keep that from happening?

People that are against guns will typically say that we need more gun control laws in place. Many of those people could not tell you what gun control laws are currently in place. They just know that we need more. Maybe we do need more laws or better laws or maybe we need more consistent enforcement of existing laws.

For example, there is a “gun show loophole” that seems confounding to me. I will say that I have heard too many statistics bandied about regarding how big this loophole actually is to believe any of them specifically. That being said, if we require background check for any gun purchase, why not every gun purchase? If you allow for an opportunity for the wrong people to acquire guns, seems reasonable to assume that they would utilize that method. Why make it easier for them?

Gun control laws are not the answer. They might be part of the answer, but laws, for the most part, are helpful in prosecuting criminals after the fact. As a general rule, people with bad intentions are less inclined to be hindered by things like rules, laws and regulations.

Gun advocates are fond of using an ultimately flawed comparison between cars and guns. It goes something like this: Cars are responsible for more deaths each year than guns, but no one is trying to take your car away. That’s true, but the automobile industry is one of the most heavily regulated industries on the planet. Many of these laws include minimum safety standards required to put the car on the open market (seat belts, airbags, etc.). Why not focus our attention on making guns safer or better yet useless in the hands of the wrong person?

We are a nation virtually awash in technology and gadgets of every kind. Why not put that to use for a purpose more advanced than managing a virtual farm or hurling ill-tempered fowls at their porcine rivals? For example, there is technology that exists today that can prevent anyone other than the registered owner (the guy that passed the background check)  from firing the gun. In the wrong hands, it basically renders the gun as little more than a blunt object. I don’t think it is crazy to suggest it is a lot more difficult to pistol whip 26 people to death before the authorities arrive than it is to gun them down. Why don’t we work toward making this technology mandatory for all newly manufactured weapons?

Why stop there? Armed police officers in schools? Yes, please. Expanded data in the database used for background checks? Sure! More gun safety programs? Yup. Prosecuting felons for attempting to buy a gun? Of course. Improved mental healthcare in this country? Hell yes.

A little bit of common sense all around would go a long way.

Oh, and one last thing…

Doomsday Preppers: You are terrifying. Your bunkers and your body armor and your stockpile of food and what can only be classified as an arsenal are like buying stock in the apocalypse. You are so heavily invested in an apocalyptic scenario that you are hastening its arrival. There is an old saying that says, “One must not put a loaded rifle on the stage if no one is thinking of firing it.” I can only think that one does not build an arsenal without planning to use it. Be skeptical of your government. No problem. Keep them honest. Call them on their shit. But some of you appear ready to turn on your mailman (clearly a government agent meaning to do harm to you and yours).

Chill the fuck out.

Hamwhales: What You Need to Know

On By Paul MathewsIn HamwhalesLeave a comment

I refuse to get into another argument about whether or not “hamwhales” exist. We all know they do. For the uninformed, for the uninitiated, here is complete primer about all things hamwhale…

50 28 Hamwhale Facts:

  1. Hamwhales are ferromagnetic.
  2. The hamwhale is the state bird of Oregon.
  3. Hamwhales are regarded as sacred in Papua New Guinea.
  4. In Thailand, hamwhale flesh is used as currency. The conversion rate is roughly 1 pound of hamwhale = 20 elbow macaroni.
  5. Only 3 humans have ever witnessed hamwhales breeding in the wild. David Faustino is 2 of them.
  6. A group of hamwhales is known as a “calamity”.
  7. If you have two hamwhales, then you’ve got yourself a party.
  8. The Statue of Liberty is said to have a calamity of hamwhales under her dress.
  9. Marilyn Monroe had a pet hamwhale named “Ernest Borgnine” when she was a child.
  10. The movie “50 First Dates” is based on a loose retelling of The Hamwhale Legend.
  11. “Hamwhale” can be used as a verb (much like “smurf”). But not by you. And only on the first day of a new moon.
  12. “Twilight” is just awful.
  13. Hamwhale marrow cures colds, but is deadly poisonous.
  14. The word “nefarious” is pronounced “hamwhale”.
  15. A hamwhale can eat its own weight in Cheetos every half hour.
  16. Here is a picture of a hamwhale in the wild.
  17. During the Roaring 20s, the “hamwhale” was the name of a dance step more popular than the Charleston.
  18. Chuck Norris has a picture of a hamwhale tattooed inside his ear canal.
  19. The hamwhale is the only natural predator for both grizzly bears and great white sharks.
  20. I once won a hamwhale in a game of poker on a riverboat.
  21. The internet is powered primarily by hamwhales on treadmills.
  22. Native Americans only used 83% of the hamwhale.
  23. Mt. Rushmore was intended to be a depiction of two reclining hamwhales.
  24. My hamwhale can beat up your hamwhale.
  25. The metric system is a base-hamwhale system.
  26. Hamwhales have 2 arms, 3 legs and something known as a “whoopdoozer”.
  27. Many people believe that hamwhales are visitors from another planet. They are wrong.
  28. Ramen noodles are made from hamwhale sinew.

Please feel free to add your favorite hamwhale-related facts in the comments.